This was such a good read for me today. It's funny, I was thinking back just this morning to the conversations I had with many of my daughter's teachers at the beginning of each new year. They were usually about "behaviors" that actually turned out to be personality traits. (Have you ever heard somebody call a boy "bossy"?) I would try to explain that we encouraged both our children to speak up for themselves and for others. To share their ideas and be proud of their accomplishments. I usually wrapped up with something like: I have taught my children to have opinions. And I have taught them how to be kind. Everybody makes mistakes, which is why I have also taught them how to apologize. But I will not apologize to you for my daughter being something other than what you expected her to be.
Girls are held to a different standard than boys. They are meant to speak more softly, take up less space, be helpful team players, put others first. Downplaying our gifts plays into this.
I think we can all practice humility in the presence of great goodness, whatever that looks like to you, and be mindful of the debt we owe to those who've gone before. We would all do well to look carefully for the hidden strengths in those around us and raise them up whenever we can. But women being humble about their own achievements? No, that serves no one.
Ugh this made me feel so seen and understood! The shrinking of self is real for women and you have to be so tenacious and persistent in fighting against it. I’m so glad your daughters have you to champion them (my mom did the same hence this strong will). I also do think that ppl automatically assume that you’re off putting if you’re not humble but I think there’s definitely a way to be un-humble and a nice/good person. I think most ppl I know would say I am not humble but they also like me as a person (Marc might be able to attest)
I don't think humble equates to nice, anymore than healthy self-promotion equals not nice. I mean, if we're generous with our friends and coworkers, amplifying their successes and celebrating with them, why should we shrink from telling the world what we're good at and celebrating our own triumphs. There's too much darkness in the world for good, smart, talented people to hide their light. I actually have one boy and one girl, so I saw close up just how different two very similar kids can be perceived just because of their gender. Boys have their own hard set of challenges, too. (I just posted about that last week: https://connort.substack.com/p/friend-to-dragons ) But nobody ever called him bossy or opinionated. You shouldn't have to prove you're a good person because there's nothing about self-confidence that is inherently "not nice." 💙
It would help me a lot not to be humble. Sometimes I am even criticized for this.
I can’t change it. I know it is to my advantage to be less humble but I don’t have it in me.
The advantage is that I rarely get awed by other people, even if they are semi-famous or super successful. I don’t care that much about wealth and success so if I meet someone who has these, I don’t feel too bowled over.
Maybe another advantage is I love women with your attitude. Many of my closest friends have it. I don’t have any competitiveness with other women. It is easy for me to be friends with women who think they are the shit (for good reasons!) and I love to cheer them on. I only want to be successful enough, to achieve enough—I don’t need to be the most. I want other things than that. I admire those that are more ambitious for this though.
So it’s not all bad even if you are correct that humility is a disadvantage in certain situations. If you are not strongly inclined to be humble, I’d say go for it. Though I would also say if you are more inclined to be humble, try not to take any shit! Maybe use it to your advantage to support other people since you are also less inclined to be envious or competitive.
I’m so glad you took the time to read this! It’s def important to know our strengths and our weaknesses. If being humble is one of yours that’s okay too. Most importantly I’m glad that you’re aware that you don’t have to take any shit from anyone 🤣
So many thoughts. I struggled with this piece because of my relationship with faith has always taught me to be humble and meek. This makes me wonder what’s the line between humble and pride. Knowing fully well that the only thing that separates me from someone else is not because of my own doing, but the role God has played in my life. How do I take the credit for anything or boast? I struggle with being humble because it also sometimes feels like I’m playing small, when I serve someone who is so much bigger.
I love this and I love that your faith is always at the front of your mind! I actually feel that humbleness in the Bible is specific to doing so in front of the lord and yet somehow it’s come to be used as a blanket for peer to peer behavior. And yes there are quotes about humbling oneself in front of others too but I feel that the world has changed so much from then to now and we should give ourselves room. I also don’t feel that pride is inherently bad (I’m def working on a piece for that) and feel that you should be able to celebrate not only your growth as a person but your growth as a person as a testament to your faith and lord.
I was struggling with the same thoughts in this article but I remembered something my father always tells me about how as Christians we are dead. It is Christ that lives in us the self, the ego is dead and a dead person cannot take credit. Christ is working through us.
This doesn't mean that when we do great work we let other people take credit that's just lying, or that when we do well we do not accept congratulations, awards, or applause the difference is we know all the glory goes to God. Its not easy but knowing that what you do brings glory to the kingdom is fulfilling. It's definitely something I'm working hard on.
What a great response and such wise words from your father! Our differences and strengths should be celebrated and exalted otherwise we would all be the same (or have been created the same)
This was a conflicting read for me only because I struggle deeply with being proud of myself. Coming from a (severely) Christian background, the only thing I was proud of was how humble I was. I gave others more space, never took any credit, and downplayed my strengths. No one noticed. I was taken advantage of. But it was ok because all the glory belonged to God.
Now that I’m no longer Christian, I’ve been trying to unlearn that “toxic” humility and re-learn having more pride. It’s been a tough journey. Thank you for shining a light on what women can do to break out of that cycle.
Thanks for reading Sharon! I’ve gotten a lot of responses like this from people who are or were religious or just have been taught culturally to shrink themselves especially as children “children should be seen not heard”. There was a point where I worked helping students in private schools and saw in real time how the cultural learning of humbleness worked against them. I’m so glad that you’re working on stepping into your own power and strength!
Thanks NJ, for your honesty. Humility is so hard, especially in a world full of prideful people. But, if you are a believer, know this.. God hates pride. So, we have to ask ourselves everyday, "Who do I want to please, God or man?" Being boastful gives temporary satisfaction, but humility brings eternal rewards. I think without faith in God, humility makes no sense. But with Gid, it's pure joy. Lord, I want to decrease, so you will increase. The Christian belief is that God will only work in a yeilding heart. In your weakness, He is strong. Yeah, it's hard, but pride will destroy us in the end. Everyday, I want to die a little more. Jesus is the most humble man who ever lived & not He rules over all. God bless you. 🙏❤
Thanks for your comment and response. I don’t believe in Christianity per se but I do respect people’s beliefs. That being said I aim to treat others with kindness always but not at the expense of my own self or self worth especially if they are aiming to harm me.
I appreciate how you so eloquently put into words the feeling that I wrestle with on a daily basis as a woman and especially as a Black woman. I agree that humility rarely gets me as far as speaking up boldly on my own behalf. In fact, most of my regrets coincide with the moments that I decided to shrink myself to seem palatable to others. So thank you for this beautiful reminder that I can and I should toot my own horn, AND it in no way takes away from my kindness.
I saw this pop up on my timeline and didn't have a chance to read it deeply and forgot to save it. Luckily someone helped me find it again! When I say just the tone alone stayed with me (reminding me of that Maya Angelou quote “At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”
So I come to share what you made me feel, the impressions that have lingered and what I hold in my own memories as I was affectedly moved.
I remember wrestling with the impact of humility/modesty narratives in white evangelical spaces (2014-2018). I had developed self-deprecating tendencies because I hoped it would help people feel they could be close to me. I experienced any compliments about who I was/what others thought I would become as deeply alienating...I tried to dim my light as much as I could for a sense of community that seemed to only ever come at a cost to myself.
One of the first moments of me realizing it wasn't worth it was when I said to a white male friend in 2016 (post-election bc that's relevant) that I needed to find a way to be confident. I said "I see now why some Black women carry themselves with pride. I want to do that." I confided in him that trying to slink down into myself to fit in was killing me. He couldn't grasp what I was talking about and his response carried so much doubt about my reasoning...but as a white man, self-deprecation didn't operate the same way for him. Self-deprecation in a white man's body makes them as approachable as a sleeping lion.
I still struggling with self-deprecating tendencies...which I tell my friends to look out for so I can work on shifting out of them. I remember thinking that Black women who appeared confident when they walked into the room and didn't take sh*t from anybody were terrifying. But there was a moment when I realized, though I didn't fully understand how they got there...I wanted to be there.
Let me also add that I read this as someone who has studied spiritual formation, with an emphasis on racial trauma and identity formation. In some ways, all I have been doing is studying how to become more myself. I have also studied Black humanism and Black world-making...so many of our ancestors have had to lift their souls up into their bodies, with each step being an affirmation of the breath they refuse to be denied. What we have, in our histories is a formation of denigration...meant to meant to remind us of our worthlessness before the image of the one who positioned themselves as truly human: the white man. There is a legacy of that work, the lifting up of our spirits and our heads, in this conversation for sure.
I fear—and name that fear so I can move through it—that many will misinterpret your words as narcissistic. Mainly because they are not understanding that self-love and self-preservation is how we are still here. With that in mind, I think my final (for now) lens on this is an ethic of care.
So I call in Audre Lorde, "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare."
& June Jordan, "I must undertake to love myself and to respect myself as though my very life depends upon self-love and self-respect.”
& Zora Neale Hurston saying, "If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it."
Also...Issa Rae, as the sheer embodiment of an awkward Black girl who has resisted self-deprecation gave this funny not humble speech that lives rent free in my mind:
Another trait, parallel to pride, that women & BIPOC aren't "allowed" to have--audacity.
The Oxford definition says it can either mean a willingness to take bold risks OR rude & disrespectful behavior. It's the same action--bold risk-taking--just viewed differently based on whose body it's in.
I hear you, but you can stand up for yourself, be assertive, set boundaries & still be a humble person. You just do it in a quieter way. Honestly thought, you sound like a lovely person. I don't think pride would suit you. 😊🌷
This was such a good read for me today. It's funny, I was thinking back just this morning to the conversations I had with many of my daughter's teachers at the beginning of each new year. They were usually about "behaviors" that actually turned out to be personality traits. (Have you ever heard somebody call a boy "bossy"?) I would try to explain that we encouraged both our children to speak up for themselves and for others. To share their ideas and be proud of their accomplishments. I usually wrapped up with something like: I have taught my children to have opinions. And I have taught them how to be kind. Everybody makes mistakes, which is why I have also taught them how to apologize. But I will not apologize to you for my daughter being something other than what you expected her to be.
Girls are held to a different standard than boys. They are meant to speak more softly, take up less space, be helpful team players, put others first. Downplaying our gifts plays into this.
I think we can all practice humility in the presence of great goodness, whatever that looks like to you, and be mindful of the debt we owe to those who've gone before. We would all do well to look carefully for the hidden strengths in those around us and raise them up whenever we can. But women being humble about their own achievements? No, that serves no one.
Ugh this made me feel so seen and understood! The shrinking of self is real for women and you have to be so tenacious and persistent in fighting against it. I’m so glad your daughters have you to champion them (my mom did the same hence this strong will). I also do think that ppl automatically assume that you’re off putting if you’re not humble but I think there’s definitely a way to be un-humble and a nice/good person. I think most ppl I know would say I am not humble but they also like me as a person (Marc might be able to attest)
I don't think humble equates to nice, anymore than healthy self-promotion equals not nice. I mean, if we're generous with our friends and coworkers, amplifying their successes and celebrating with them, why should we shrink from telling the world what we're good at and celebrating our own triumphs. There's too much darkness in the world for good, smart, talented people to hide their light. I actually have one boy and one girl, so I saw close up just how different two very similar kids can be perceived just because of their gender. Boys have their own hard set of challenges, too. (I just posted about that last week: https://connort.substack.com/p/friend-to-dragons ) But nobody ever called him bossy or opinionated. You shouldn't have to prove you're a good person because there's nothing about self-confidence that is inherently "not nice." 💙
'You shouldn't have to prove you're a good person because there's nothing about self-confidence that is inherently "not nice." '
oh Tara you just get it!! Thank you. I'm going to go read that piece now as I'm raising a little boy myself.
I fucking LOVE discovering women who are not afraid to roar ❤️ This post made me smile ear to ear
Thank you for reading!! 😌🖤
It would help me a lot not to be humble. Sometimes I am even criticized for this.
I can’t change it. I know it is to my advantage to be less humble but I don’t have it in me.
The advantage is that I rarely get awed by other people, even if they are semi-famous or super successful. I don’t care that much about wealth and success so if I meet someone who has these, I don’t feel too bowled over.
Maybe another advantage is I love women with your attitude. Many of my closest friends have it. I don’t have any competitiveness with other women. It is easy for me to be friends with women who think they are the shit (for good reasons!) and I love to cheer them on. I only want to be successful enough, to achieve enough—I don’t need to be the most. I want other things than that. I admire those that are more ambitious for this though.
So it’s not all bad even if you are correct that humility is a disadvantage in certain situations. If you are not strongly inclined to be humble, I’d say go for it. Though I would also say if you are more inclined to be humble, try not to take any shit! Maybe use it to your advantage to support other people since you are also less inclined to be envious or competitive.
I’m so glad you took the time to read this! It’s def important to know our strengths and our weaknesses. If being humble is one of yours that’s okay too. Most importantly I’m glad that you’re aware that you don’t have to take any shit from anyone 🤣
So many thoughts. I struggled with this piece because of my relationship with faith has always taught me to be humble and meek. This makes me wonder what’s the line between humble and pride. Knowing fully well that the only thing that separates me from someone else is not because of my own doing, but the role God has played in my life. How do I take the credit for anything or boast? I struggle with being humble because it also sometimes feels like I’m playing small, when I serve someone who is so much bigger.
I love this and I love that your faith is always at the front of your mind! I actually feel that humbleness in the Bible is specific to doing so in front of the lord and yet somehow it’s come to be used as a blanket for peer to peer behavior. And yes there are quotes about humbling oneself in front of others too but I feel that the world has changed so much from then to now and we should give ourselves room. I also don’t feel that pride is inherently bad (I’m def working on a piece for that) and feel that you should be able to celebrate not only your growth as a person but your growth as a person as a testament to your faith and lord.
I was struggling with the same thoughts in this article but I remembered something my father always tells me about how as Christians we are dead. It is Christ that lives in us the self, the ego is dead and a dead person cannot take credit. Christ is working through us.
This doesn't mean that when we do great work we let other people take credit that's just lying, or that when we do well we do not accept congratulations, awards, or applause the difference is we know all the glory goes to God. Its not easy but knowing that what you do brings glory to the kingdom is fulfilling. It's definitely something I'm working hard on.
What a great response and such wise words from your father! Our differences and strengths should be celebrated and exalted otherwise we would all be the same (or have been created the same)
This was a conflicting read for me only because I struggle deeply with being proud of myself. Coming from a (severely) Christian background, the only thing I was proud of was how humble I was. I gave others more space, never took any credit, and downplayed my strengths. No one noticed. I was taken advantage of. But it was ok because all the glory belonged to God.
Now that I’m no longer Christian, I’ve been trying to unlearn that “toxic” humility and re-learn having more pride. It’s been a tough journey. Thank you for shining a light on what women can do to break out of that cycle.
Thanks for reading Sharon! I’ve gotten a lot of responses like this from people who are or were religious or just have been taught culturally to shrink themselves especially as children “children should be seen not heard”. There was a point where I worked helping students in private schools and saw in real time how the cultural learning of humbleness worked against them. I’m so glad that you’re working on stepping into your own power and strength!
Regarding the children working against children from cultures where they’re told to be quiet etc
Thanks NJ, for your honesty. Humility is so hard, especially in a world full of prideful people. But, if you are a believer, know this.. God hates pride. So, we have to ask ourselves everyday, "Who do I want to please, God or man?" Being boastful gives temporary satisfaction, but humility brings eternal rewards. I think without faith in God, humility makes no sense. But with Gid, it's pure joy. Lord, I want to decrease, so you will increase. The Christian belief is that God will only work in a yeilding heart. In your weakness, He is strong. Yeah, it's hard, but pride will destroy us in the end. Everyday, I want to die a little more. Jesus is the most humble man who ever lived & not He rules over all. God bless you. 🙏❤
Thanks for your comment and response. I don’t believe in Christianity per se but I do respect people’s beliefs. That being said I aim to treat others with kindness always but not at the expense of my own self or self worth especially if they are aiming to harm me.
I appreciate how you so eloquently put into words the feeling that I wrestle with on a daily basis as a woman and especially as a Black woman. I agree that humility rarely gets me as far as speaking up boldly on my own behalf. In fact, most of my regrets coincide with the moments that I decided to shrink myself to seem palatable to others. So thank you for this beautiful reminder that I can and I should toot my own horn, AND it in no way takes away from my kindness.
You’re so welcome Maya and thanks for reading! You better toot that horn because you’re amazing!!
I saw this pop up on my timeline and didn't have a chance to read it deeply and forgot to save it. Luckily someone helped me find it again! When I say just the tone alone stayed with me (reminding me of that Maya Angelou quote “At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”
So I come to share what you made me feel, the impressions that have lingered and what I hold in my own memories as I was affectedly moved.
I remember wrestling with the impact of humility/modesty narratives in white evangelical spaces (2014-2018). I had developed self-deprecating tendencies because I hoped it would help people feel they could be close to me. I experienced any compliments about who I was/what others thought I would become as deeply alienating...I tried to dim my light as much as I could for a sense of community that seemed to only ever come at a cost to myself.
One of the first moments of me realizing it wasn't worth it was when I said to a white male friend in 2016 (post-election bc that's relevant) that I needed to find a way to be confident. I said "I see now why some Black women carry themselves with pride. I want to do that." I confided in him that trying to slink down into myself to fit in was killing me. He couldn't grasp what I was talking about and his response carried so much doubt about my reasoning...but as a white man, self-deprecation didn't operate the same way for him. Self-deprecation in a white man's body makes them as approachable as a sleeping lion.
I still struggling with self-deprecating tendencies...which I tell my friends to look out for so I can work on shifting out of them. I remember thinking that Black women who appeared confident when they walked into the room and didn't take sh*t from anybody were terrifying. But there was a moment when I realized, though I didn't fully understand how they got there...I wanted to be there.
Let me also add that I read this as someone who has studied spiritual formation, with an emphasis on racial trauma and identity formation. In some ways, all I have been doing is studying how to become more myself. I have also studied Black humanism and Black world-making...so many of our ancestors have had to lift their souls up into their bodies, with each step being an affirmation of the breath they refuse to be denied. What we have, in our histories is a formation of denigration...meant to meant to remind us of our worthlessness before the image of the one who positioned themselves as truly human: the white man. There is a legacy of that work, the lifting up of our spirits and our heads, in this conversation for sure.
I fear—and name that fear so I can move through it—that many will misinterpret your words as narcissistic. Mainly because they are not understanding that self-love and self-preservation is how we are still here. With that in mind, I think my final (for now) lens on this is an ethic of care.
So I call in Audre Lorde, "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare."
& June Jordan, "I must undertake to love myself and to respect myself as though my very life depends upon self-love and self-respect.”
& Zora Neale Hurston saying, "If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it."
& my fav-fav poet Lucille Clifton, "come celebrate with me that every day something has tried to kill me and has failed." https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/50974/wont-you-celebrate-with-me
---
Also...Issa Rae, as the sheer embodiment of an awkward Black girl who has resisted self-deprecation gave this funny not humble speech that lives rent free in my mind:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db1dPZ5abn4
Another trait, parallel to pride, that women & BIPOC aren't "allowed" to have--audacity.
The Oxford definition says it can either mean a willingness to take bold risks OR rude & disrespectful behavior. It's the same action--bold risk-taking--just viewed differently based on whose body it's in.
Thank you for this food for thought today <3
Speak on it!! It’s automatically viewed as negative if it’s a woman and we need to push back on that! Thank you so much for reading.
I hear you, but you can stand up for yourself, be assertive, set boundaries & still be a humble person. You just do it in a quieter way. Honestly thought, you sound like a lovely person. I don't think pride would suit you. 😊🌷
Pride suits me 🤣 I’m okay with pride. I hope you have a great day
😊 Thank you. You too.