Failing Until You Don't
Bluey, Bikes, and What Raising a Two-Year-Old Old has Taught Me About Limits
Recently my two-year-old was trying to walk down the stairs without holding the railing. My husband rushed to tell him to hold on out of worry about him falling. I would’ve liked him to try anyway because he wouldn’t know if he could if he never tried. The next day on our way to his little gymnastics class I let him walk down the stairs with no railing. He didn't fall at all! In fact, he jumped down and landed firmly on his two tiny feet. That very same day we watched the “Bike” episode of Bluey and the message just affirmed what I had been thinking for weeks. We have to try and fail to try and succeed.
When it comes to child rearing I try to stay out of his way when he’s attempting new things as long as his safety isn’t at risk. When I say safety I mean serious injury. I’m not afraid for him to fall, hit, or have a little pain. This freedom to test the boundaries is the only way he learns what if any, limits exist. It’s also how he learns to think creatively to solve issues, build his strength, and learn what he is and isn’t capable of. I’ve found that his biggest obstacle when it comes to leveling up his skill level isn’t himself but other adults in his life who operate from a place of fear; a fear that he doesn’t have. So, I try very hard and encourage the other adults in my life to step back and give him room to try (I also do my best to do the same). In many ways, I think some adults face the same problems when trying to level up themselves. Other people’s fears impose limits on them that may not exist. (I know you’re probably like “Ugh not another parent writing about Bluey,” but damn, give me a chance to connect the dots for you.)
Sometimes You’re Too Short
The “Bike” episode of Bluey starts with Bluey trying and failing to ride the bike. Blue’s dad, Bandit, sits on the bench and watches Bluey fall again and again. Eventually Bluey ends up having a meltdown about failing and wishing that she could just magically learn to ride a bike. Insisting that “the world is silly” and she’ll never ride a bike again. What struck me immediately was how Bluey’s dad doesn’t rush to her rescue and assure her. Instead, he sits back watching until Bluey comes to him. Even then he doesn’t coddle Bluey. When Bluey insists that she’ll never ride again he simply responds “ok”.
As they sit, Bluey starts to watch her sister, Bingo, struggle to work the water fountain as she’s too short. “Poor Bingo,” Bluey says. Her dad laid back on the bench immediately responds “She’ll figure it out”. Bandit then redirects Bluey’s attention to her friend Bentley who’s struggling to reach the monkey bars. Both cases are interesting because both Bentley and Bingo face challenges that they aren’t able to change immediately, height. This means that any solution must come through critical or creative thinking. Bluey’s cousin Muffin also faces similar issues as she struggles to put her backpack on due to how short her arms are.
A lot of adults I know lack the simple wisdom of Bandit. In many ways rushing to help someone may immediately solve their issue but stunt their growth in other ways like being able to problem solve and developing independence. It’s definitely made me pause and think. What are some places in my life where I have hit roadblocks but it might be a lack of effort and creative thinking more than anything else. I’ll be sitting with that reflection for a while and you should too.
The Failing Is The Lesson
As the episode progresses Bingo, Muffin, and Bentley all fail repeatedly at attempting to solve their problems. A few times they complain and come close to giving up but each of them perseveres. Bandit and Bluey sit on the sidelines watching as they fall, have meltdowns, and complain but still they do not go to assist. They also encourage and cheer loudly at key points. Eventually Bluey realizes that they all have hit roadblocks like she did.
“Why can’t I do it straight away?” Bentley says after another failed attempt at getting on the monkey bars.
“Hey, that’s what I said.” Bluey finally recognizes that her feelings during failure are not unique. Struggle and failure is universal.
When Bluey’s sister Bingo curls into a little ball Bingo stands up and attempts to rush to her aid. Bandit immediately stops her and says “let’s just see what happens next.”
Sometimes I think in adulthood we are so swamped struggling to keep our head above water that we are quick to feel like our struggles and failures are unique when in most times they are not. This is not to imply that you shouldn’t ask for help by the way (I know some of my sisters out there are too proud but that’s another essay for another day). It also is not an attempt to minimize whatever struggle you’re up against.
Many of the failures we make whether in our work life, our personal life, or in relationships are not unique. Odds are there is someone or many people out there facing the same struggles and failures that you are. I’m not sure how you feel about that but it fills me with an odd sort of comfort. Statistically speaking there’s no way that so many people face the same struggle with no outcome or resolution. The idea that
I’m not alone in my failures
That a solution or resolution exists given enough time, effort, and creative thinking is a deep deep relief.
I am hoping that it brings the same feeling to you and that if you are an adult out there growing or working with tiny humans that you give them space to fail and space to try.
Sweet Resolution and The Thrill of Success
Each of her friends and family members sits in their failure for a little while. Eventually, they all come to a resolution on their own. The resolutions are in some ways very silly but the silliness highlights that there’s more than one way to solve an issue or roadblock. Their creative thinking skills were sharpened and they gained a sense of independence, but most importantly they demolished what they (and others) may have thought was a limit for them.
To me, it was affirming to see them each persevere. It was also wonderful to see them each allowed to feel frustrated, irritated, and even angry at their situation. I appreciated that they were given the space to feel sad. Often we aren’t allowed to express the full breadth of frustration or what is typically denoted as negative emotions (anger, irritation, feeling overwhelmed). That is also a mistake.
I am learning and trying to give my loved ones space to feel anger, frustration, and sadness at their situation. I’m also learning to let myself feel these emotions instead of suppressing them so that I can keep moving. In many ways, it might be unfair to stop them (or myself) from sitting in these feelings. The feeling might actually be a catalyst for solving the problem.
Strong feelings like frustration or sadness might be the push to solve the issue. My two-year-old being frustrated enough that something is out of reach will find creative ways to get that thing. That could be stacking up boxes, pulling off some wild climbing sorcery, or throwing things to knock it down. The only thing that’ll stop him is an adult. I’m perpetually impressed with the way his behaviors are mirrored in more muted ways in adults around me. All this is to say that my not immediately getting the thing for him allows him to build his creative thinking, test his strength (through climbing or pulling himself up), and develop a sense of independence that will allow him to persevere.
Give yourself the same space. Recognize that each struggle or failure is a chance to test your limits. The choice to keep going IS the biggest difference sometimes. It doesn’t hurt to have people in your corner cheering you on either (like Bandit and Bluey did on the sidelines).
Pedal Away
After watching each friend resolve their issue Bluey’s dad doesn’t give her some long drawn-out speech. He again gave her space. Bluey sits for a little in silence, gets back on her bike, and pedals away. The lessons of persistence and resilience aren’t new or novel. This episode struck a cord for me because her dad recognized that she needed to build confidence AND that she (and all the others) were capable of solving the issue.
I’d be remiss to end this without discussing that it might seem cruel to let people struggle when you can simply solve their issue with very little help. I liked this episode specifically because the stakes were low. I would not equate something like helping someone in desperate need to allowing them to figure out how to reach the monkey bars. Allowing them to explore coming to their own solutions in lower stake activities, like the ones in the “Bike” episode, primes them for opportunities later in life when you or others may not be there to help.
If you’ve hit a roadblock or a rough patch I’m here to encourage you. I’m not delusional enough to think that it’ll always be easy or fast. I’m just suggesting that you give yourself some credit and accept the challenge of solving the puzzle. Allow yourself the space to feel those pesky but helpful emotions. You can reach the monkey bars with some creative thinking, a little bit of cheering, and a little elbow grease.
PS CHILDREN’S TV SHOULD NOT HIT THIS HARD! PROPS TO THE WRITERS.
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Although I don't have kids myself, I loved how everything you talked about is applicable to adults, in particular the loving space to develop and grow you can extend to friends and partners. It also reminded me of a story my mum would tell me; when I was a toddler my late grandfather watched me struggle to pull up the hoop of a mosquito net that had fallen behind the bed frame. He stopped both my grandma and my mum from rushing over to help me, because he wanted to see if I would persevere. Mum says he stood there for about 40 minutes until I was able to pull it up - and to this day the story serves as a reminder of achieving difficult things, and most importantly, having the space and encouragement to truly test those limits! Thanks for the awesome post, and reminding me about this lesson <3
This was a dope piece 👏🏽
Bluey is my favorite show to watch with my kids for many of the reasons you laid out. Yes my kids learn something, but I also leave each episode feeling challenged to grow as a parent. The push forward is always gentle which makes the message seep in all the more.