oh my god NJ this is so good. that scene in the kitchen in the middle of the night actually made me gasp OUT LOUD. one of the best written scares in recent memory. this is so great.
The strength of your writing is definitely in the sense-impressions of sights, smells, and tastes. This is great immersive stuff.
Since you ask what the reader might have done differently, I would try to make the reveal about the dead lover more foreshadowed. As it is, it seems a bit unlikely that the narrator would have no glimmer at all of what ails the tree and its death-like stench. How did she forget that she buried a cadaver there? This definitely *can* happen through fugue-state repression but that will always break through into consciousness in escaping memory/fantasy fragments (like in the film Shutter Island, for example).
I may possibly have missed some indicators of that - the repeated image of blood in the bathroom washbasin is almost certainly one of those. But in summary I'm missing that 'itchy brain' feeling connected with guilt and trauma and the tree in the first half.
As always, this is my attempt at a positive critique in a piece that is already wonderfully rich and sense-saturated.
Yes this is a great point!! Originally the opening line was “it was April when you disappeared and August when the tree began to bear fruit” but I thought it ruined some of the fun. If I started writing before 8pm last night I’d definitely have some time to make the suggestions more obvious! I’d probably change the brothers text or include a flashback if police interrogation. I will definitely revisit this piece. There’s so much room for improvement and thank you as always for reading and engaging
You're so welcome, I love to see your work develop and grow alongside all of ours. BTW I don't think the opening line you had in mind is too spoilerish, it's vague enough as to the lover's disappearance that it serves the purpose without giving the reveal away.
This is a short film!! I started to think there might be a body involved when you looked up and saw how large the fruit was and I liked the way it was just the introduction of the thought. But seriously this should be a film!
I wasn't sure where this story was going but as more was revealed to me, there's a startling clarity to it that made it all feel so visceral like damn.
I really liked this story - we have a Bradford Pear tree that smells like vomit when it blooms these pretty white blossoms- so incongruous! Good story telling!
@Nj I feel like i'm constantly saying this, but you have out done yourself! I loved this story so much! You talk about fruits and consumption in almost every post of yours that I have read. Usually I receive it as fulfilling or sensual, so taking something that I have usually experienced you write about for pleasure into a painful experience was quite a ride. What inspired this?
Really enjoyed this! So well written could almost taste the smell in my mouth. I could see this as an A24 film.
Thank you for reading and for the kind words. One of these days A24 will hear or see the stuff you guys say about my work and buy a story 🤞🏽
oh my god NJ this is so good. that scene in the kitchen in the middle of the night actually made me gasp OUT LOUD. one of the best written scares in recent memory. this is so great.
🥹 thank you so much
The strength of your writing is definitely in the sense-impressions of sights, smells, and tastes. This is great immersive stuff.
Since you ask what the reader might have done differently, I would try to make the reveal about the dead lover more foreshadowed. As it is, it seems a bit unlikely that the narrator would have no glimmer at all of what ails the tree and its death-like stench. How did she forget that she buried a cadaver there? This definitely *can* happen through fugue-state repression but that will always break through into consciousness in escaping memory/fantasy fragments (like in the film Shutter Island, for example).
I may possibly have missed some indicators of that - the repeated image of blood in the bathroom washbasin is almost certainly one of those. But in summary I'm missing that 'itchy brain' feeling connected with guilt and trauma and the tree in the first half.
As always, this is my attempt at a positive critique in a piece that is already wonderfully rich and sense-saturated.
Yes this is a great point!! Originally the opening line was “it was April when you disappeared and August when the tree began to bear fruit” but I thought it ruined some of the fun. If I started writing before 8pm last night I’d definitely have some time to make the suggestions more obvious! I’d probably change the brothers text or include a flashback if police interrogation. I will definitely revisit this piece. There’s so much room for improvement and thank you as always for reading and engaging
You're so welcome, I love to see your work develop and grow alongside all of ours. BTW I don't think the opening line you had in mind is too spoilerish, it's vague enough as to the lover's disappearance that it serves the purpose without giving the reveal away.
I will consider tweaking it and appreciate your kind words.
This is a short film!! I started to think there might be a body involved when you looked up and saw how large the fruit was and I liked the way it was just the introduction of the thought. But seriously this should be a film!
Thank you!!
I wasn't sure where this story was going but as more was revealed to me, there's a startling clarity to it that made it all feel so visceral like damn.
Thanks for reading!
You're very welcome
God DAMN this was good.
Thank you so much! I was on the fence about being more obvious about the lover earlier in the story but it seems like it didn’t matter in the end
Naw I think burying the lead (...ha) built the tension beautifully.
lol this got a chuckle out of me! I hope you have a good day
same to you my friend x
I knew it was all down hill after they sat at the base of the tree.
🤣🤣 you knew nature was coming for them
I really liked this story - we have a Bradford Pear tree that smells like vomit when it blooms these pretty white blossoms- so incongruous! Good story telling!
Thanks so much for reading Tracy! Stinky trees are the worst.
Ahhhh this was such a ride!
They had it coming.
They sure did 🤣🤣
@Nj I feel like i'm constantly saying this, but you have out done yourself! I loved this story so much! You talk about fruits and consumption in almost every post of yours that I have read. Usually I receive it as fulfilling or sensual, so taking something that I have usually experienced you write about for pleasure into a painful experience was quite a ride. What inspired this?