Finally got time to really spend time with this. Whew! I am such a scaredy cat so was afraid, but you did that in this post. I am in awe of talented fictional writers because my brain appreciates it but can't replicate it. A whole world could be created I agree!
I was waiting for this post and I’m so happy I made time and space to really enjoy it. This is dark, twisted, beautiful and sad. You would turn something as grim as a zombie story into a tale of the lengths we will go for love. Thank you for this!
It didn't end like I expected since I thought someone willing to bring their deceased partner back to life would have an unhealthy attachment and subsequently struggle to let them go peaceably.
2) I don't think I would. My wife has violence so I'd feel like I was betraying her if I brought her back in a form that required, or tempted her, to do violence to others out of instinct.
3) "She eyes me as if deciding if she would risk ending herself." 🔥
I think the first point is so true the caveat being that she knew going in she would have a shelf life so she got to give herself a bit more time to say goodbye!
That’s super thoughtful about what your wife would or wouldn’t. My husband told me don’t zombify him 😭 I’d still be tempted tho 🤔
My opinion is that I did not like this. The first paragraph reads very innocently and reminds me of a gag reading of necromancy that you would find in a Halloween store. Occultism is obviously a supposed magic, but rich in history and quite terrifying in actuality. Will continue to read and add my comments as I go along.
This is a really good sentence: It had become a thick paste that no longer smelled like death.
The words like “fucking” and “ganja” or any other slang, curse words are difficult to effectively use in writing. In this case, they diminish, they detract, and are rather jarring.
“Rebuke” and “lest” are incorrectly used here. I could be wrong, but they sound awkward and misplaced.
I do not like these similes: “like molasses coat her lashes” “like he is just two coconuts”
There is an intriguing carnal aspect about this relationship and it does not seem like this person actually loves the person they are reviving or attempting to. I think this is drawn quite well.
This is very confusing to follow at times. The transition between her waking up and to them eating food. It just jumps from part to another, the same with her pulling the bones out. This reminds me a lot of like Santeria, voodoo, and things like that.
This is unnerving and borderline unnecessary to include: By the third day, he is barely breathing and covered in bite marks. I stored his left ear away for future use. I fed her his right ear, several of his toes, and parts of his member, and took great pleasure in slicing his tongue and watching her devour it.
It’s not established that this person is that crazy, furthermore their love or the kind of love they had isn’t explained, except for the part about mangos dripping. I don’t feel that encapsulates their relationship. They feel quite complex.
This feels like a giant metaphor for the male gaze in a very Kafka sort of way. A lot of men, speaking generally obviously, along with women, but, mostly men, regard their partners as if they are a little pet that is supposed to curl up on their lap, how you said.
Overall, needs a lot of work, but entertaining in its own way.
Thanks for reading and for your opinion even though I disagree particularly about slang or curse words being difficult to use effectively. That’s how I speak, that’s how many people I know in my culture speak. It’s effective enough to be used for generations. Perhaps it’s just not for you. And yes it was about voodoo as zombies originate from Haiti and their voodoo practices. Thanks again for reading.
As far as the curse words, it’s a complicated thing. I am trying to use them in my writing too. I use curses as well when I speak, not that much anymore, more when I was younger, but translating that onto good writing is just difficult to do. My own opinion.
It is intriguing how you say “that’s how my culture speaks.” Are you from the islands?From your last story too, there is a strong sense of setting with the islands. I remember how you described the guy drinking the rum with his cousin. I would love for all of that to be fleshed out more as a reader. It’ll act as an anchor to substantiate everything.
If you feel like it, I would love your honest thoughts on my work. If not, I completely understand.
Started a new novel idea recently: A Passionate Love Story Between a Crazed Murderer Named Ennis and A French Spy Named Emma.
2 min reads each chapter. Not so heavy on description this time.
I am including the occult in my story as well, but it will be from a Mexican perspective.
Yep, I am from the islands and you’re definitely entitled to your opinion. Ideally in longer stories more details would be flushed out but I try to keep reads under 10 minutes here so it is hard to expand too much and still keep the story tight at under 3000 words. Hopefully I will get to read your Mexican occult story. Good luck in writing it.
I could def feel a novel wanting to erupt from this. So good. Also, this line really grabbed me: "The sound of crickets is the drumbeat that I shovel to."
Finally got time to really spend time with this. Whew! I am such a scaredy cat so was afraid, but you did that in this post. I am in awe of talented fictional writers because my brain appreciates it but can't replicate it. A whole world could be created I agree!
I’m glad you enjoyed it! You’d be surprised what you could cook up with a lil inspiration
Finally had a chance to read this. Consumed by love and death!
Would you want to be zombified?
Oh no. I’m going into the air.
😭😭😭
I was waiting for this post and I’m so happy I made time and space to really enjoy it. This is dark, twisted, beautiful and sad. You would turn something as grim as a zombie story into a tale of the lengths we will go for love. Thank you for this!
Thank you for reading Stanley! Dark, twisted, and beautiful are all wonderful adjectives for my work. Cue *what would you dooooo for loveeeee
You’re one of my favorite writers. If there’s one thing imma do on Substack, it’s read your work
🥺🥺🥺 that’s so kind because I am perpetually blown away by the sharpness of your work
Whew! 👏🏽
It didn't end like I expected since I thought someone willing to bring their deceased partner back to life would have an unhealthy attachment and subsequently struggle to let them go peaceably.
2) I don't think I would. My wife has violence so I'd feel like I was betraying her if I brought her back in a form that required, or tempted her, to do violence to others out of instinct.
3) "She eyes me as if deciding if she would risk ending herself." 🔥
I think the first point is so true the caveat being that she knew going in she would have a shelf life so she got to give herself a bit more time to say goodbye!
That’s super thoughtful about what your wife would or wouldn’t. My husband told me don’t zombify him 😭 I’d still be tempted tho 🤔
Great point.
And let that man rest in peace lol.
😭😭😭😏 I’ll think about it
😂
I love this. I love the relationship, the ritual, the mangoes. I could definitely read more!
I’ll add to my list of short stories I should turn novellas 🕵🏽
You know it’s good when your partner is giving your feedback about world building. I’d bring my partner back without hesitation.
I prob would too and low key I was like okay Brent with the critical feedback
I really enjoyed this piece. Especially since she had a shelf life, which is just not considered in the 'modern' zombie.
Yes modern zombie stories need to add some more of the basics! Spice things up a bit. Thank you for reading
My opinion is that I did not like this. The first paragraph reads very innocently and reminds me of a gag reading of necromancy that you would find in a Halloween store. Occultism is obviously a supposed magic, but rich in history and quite terrifying in actuality. Will continue to read and add my comments as I go along.
This is a really good sentence: It had become a thick paste that no longer smelled like death.
The words like “fucking” and “ganja” or any other slang, curse words are difficult to effectively use in writing. In this case, they diminish, they detract, and are rather jarring.
“Rebuke” and “lest” are incorrectly used here. I could be wrong, but they sound awkward and misplaced.
I do not like these similes: “like molasses coat her lashes” “like he is just two coconuts”
There is an intriguing carnal aspect about this relationship and it does not seem like this person actually loves the person they are reviving or attempting to. I think this is drawn quite well.
This is very confusing to follow at times. The transition between her waking up and to them eating food. It just jumps from part to another, the same with her pulling the bones out. This reminds me a lot of like Santeria, voodoo, and things like that.
This is unnerving and borderline unnecessary to include: By the third day, he is barely breathing and covered in bite marks. I stored his left ear away for future use. I fed her his right ear, several of his toes, and parts of his member, and took great pleasure in slicing his tongue and watching her devour it.
It’s not established that this person is that crazy, furthermore their love or the kind of love they had isn’t explained, except for the part about mangos dripping. I don’t feel that encapsulates their relationship. They feel quite complex.
This feels like a giant metaphor for the male gaze in a very Kafka sort of way. A lot of men, speaking generally obviously, along with women, but, mostly men, regard their partners as if they are a little pet that is supposed to curl up on their lap, how you said.
Overall, needs a lot of work, but entertaining in its own way.
Thanks for reading and for your opinion even though I disagree particularly about slang or curse words being difficult to use effectively. That’s how I speak, that’s how many people I know in my culture speak. It’s effective enough to be used for generations. Perhaps it’s just not for you. And yes it was about voodoo as zombies originate from Haiti and their voodoo practices. Thanks again for reading.
As far as the curse words, it’s a complicated thing. I am trying to use them in my writing too. I use curses as well when I speak, not that much anymore, more when I was younger, but translating that onto good writing is just difficult to do. My own opinion.
It is intriguing how you say “that’s how my culture speaks.” Are you from the islands?From your last story too, there is a strong sense of setting with the islands. I remember how you described the guy drinking the rum with his cousin. I would love for all of that to be fleshed out more as a reader. It’ll act as an anchor to substantiate everything.
If you feel like it, I would love your honest thoughts on my work. If not, I completely understand.
Started a new novel idea recently: A Passionate Love Story Between a Crazed Murderer Named Ennis and A French Spy Named Emma.
2 min reads each chapter. Not so heavy on description this time.
I am including the occult in my story as well, but it will be from a Mexican perspective.
Yep, I am from the islands and you’re definitely entitled to your opinion. Ideally in longer stories more details would be flushed out but I try to keep reads under 10 minutes here so it is hard to expand too much and still keep the story tight at under 3000 words. Hopefully I will get to read your Mexican occult story. Good luck in writing it.
I could def feel a novel wanting to erupt from this. So good. Also, this line really grabbed me: "The sound of crickets is the drumbeat that I shovel to."
Thank so much! I battled with that line and almost deleted it so glad it stuck out. Appreciate you reading and sharing Sean.
The structure of that line is really cool. Whole story is great! Thanks for sharing it!