Giving Birth A Second Time

Poem

I haven’t done it ...yet
The time approaches...

Hopefully... at least

A lot could go wrong from now to then
But I am an optimist at heart, and so

I choose to think about all the things that could go right
I imagine I have a one-push birth (ha! a girl can dream)
I imagine I don’t throw up in triage like the last time.
Imagine you are a fully realized person
who is strong, and funny, and kind, and calls me
as much as I call my mother.

When I am up at 2 AM .... cuz you know
pregnancy insomnia is a thing, apparently
not that I was a great sleeper to begin with.
I imagine you will be a much better sleeper than me
or your brother, who decided to take after me in that regard.

I bought a lamp for my bedside table
don’t know what took me so long.
I imagine reading horror novels and fantasy novels aloud
to you in the wee hours of the morning when you are hungry
and only I have milk to offer you
and your father is asleep
(before I wake him up to burp you so I can rest)
or before your brother finds his way into my room every night after midnight like he always does.

I lucid dream that you are loved as deeply as I am.
That you share jokes with your brother the way
I share jokes with my sisters in a language only we understand.

I am writing into your genetic code that you will call me
As much as I call my mother (I really need that to be a thing)
You will know the viciousness of my protection
And you will know that even when I lose control
even when I succumb to anger as I inevitably will
that my love for you will always win.
I will apologize.
I will cry with you.
Shit, I will cry for you.
I hope you know it right
down to the calcium that forms your bones
inside me right now.
I hope you know it right
down to the neurons I have helped you build.

I choose to think of all the things that could go right.
That you are happy and fierce.
That you feel loved.
That you survive and I survive with you.
Hug you covered in blood and amniotic fluid.
Get to see you speak, and walk,
and yell, and fight, and argue
why you should stay up late
stay out late, graduate.

I choose to think of all the things that could go right.
The universe has got to listen.
The universe has got to bring them to fruition.
A pregnancy is really just a growing ball of unrealized
timelines, realities, outcomes.
Imagine the universe has seen so many of these.
Imagine that this time, it will get it right.

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Been a while since I wrote a poem. Goes without saying that motherhood is heavy on my mind. I will be slowing down on the writing but will do my best to entertain you guys right up until I can’t… or don’t want to lmfao.

TELL ME:
What line/lines were your favorite? What feelings did the poem evoke? Have you given birth or know someone who did? What were some things you hoped for for yourself/your child or the person? Is there anything you didn’t like about the poem, respectfully?

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